We all like a good joke. I love jokes, patter & even friendly insults. myself & my old friends thrive on it when we get together. As the saying goes "Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine" I think it was Byron that said that or was it somebody else? Uch, look it up online if you care to. It's true that laughter makes everything easier. It's like the band aid on the wounds of life.
However, there is one very old ‘joke’ I’ve heard since my teens when it became known I was obsessed with spirits & into psychic & esoteric strangeness. This same line has always been delivered to me by each eejit as if they’ve unleashed the smartest joke/insult in the Universe ever… In fact, it was actually first said to me, when I was around twelve years old & volunteered as a helper in a park that had wild animals. I happened to say to someone in confidence one day that I felt I could sense spirits & pick up things about certain people. This reached the ears of a guy in his 30's who worked there - a big bully guy nobody liked & who had an even bigger ego, called Sammy. Anyway, in front of everyone at lunch break as a group of us sat in a field it suddenly began to rain down.
Big Sammy slowly took a bite out of his pork pie, eyed me up & snarled "Well, if you're so psychic you wee weirdo, you should've known it'd rain already." And what was my comeback? Was it some download of spiritual wisdom to my young mind that would change the skeptical mind of Sammy? No, I threw a crisp at him & called him a "big baldy pr**k" & ran for the hills giggling. Narrowly avoiding the half eaten pork pie wizzing past my ear!
And since that first day I've heard that same quip numerous times. I've found those who recite it, usually accompany it with a smarmy expression on their face & a genuine belief that they are the sharpest comedian in the room.
I imagine this line may have raised a small smile a hundred years or so ago when it was probably first said to a some wide eyed psychic in some old parlour room. I suppose in some way it’s similar to the more up to date “If you're that good what’s the lottery numbers?” question.
I recall,many years ago some drunk blokes in a party told me they were ‘men of science’ & that there was no such thing as intuition, ESP, clairvoyance, hauntings or an afterlife & anyone who believed was either deluded or a charlatan. "We are men of science" they added as they guzzled their next beer. I guzzled mine too & smiled because I'd heard it all before.
Then came the "You should've known that already ..." joke over & over again. Now, it has to be said that these gentlemen were not exactly in the scientific league of Carl Sagan or Stephen Hawking. And I did remind them that having the ability to mix one part cement & two parts sand into a bucket every day in their yard does not make a scientist! But who was I to question? Because everybody is allowed their own point of view I suppose & our individual world view is entirely created through our own experience & surroundings we grow.
I understand that if you haven’t experienced something supernatural then of course it’s easy to be a theorist & just say it’s all bullshit. I get that, I really do. I even agree that a lot of it is bullshit & the internet is full of fakery & jiggerey - pokery amongs the rare real events.
I must add as the beers hit home we had a laugh & I ended up drunkenly arm wrestling them all & beating the buggers hands down. I did know I'd win in advance. Was it psychic premonition? eh, well, I think it was more to do with the 100 or so pounds of weight difference between myself & each of them. in the end we decided to agree to disagree.
Life would be very strange indeed if someone who has developed their intuition knew everything in advance & could indeed tell their own future constantly: Imagine laying down in bed at night, cuppa tea in one hand crystal ball in the other…
“So, tomorrow I’ll wake at seven AM, get up, stub my toe on the leg of the bed, sit on the toilet pan for twenty three minutes & then I’ll get a text from my auntie Fanny, then I’ll get a bill from my accountant through the letterbox at just before eight AM & then the bus to work. The bus will of course break down on way to work but I’ll have known that already so I’ll have left a bit earlier. At eleven AM that song I hate will be playing on the radio & then during lunch I’ll find out my colleague is pregnant, but of course I knew that already too… because I’m a psychic & I know everything in advance.
I’ll have brought extra coffee in to work tomorrow because I ‘psychically’ knew we’d ran out already & then I’ll have to avoid my manager talking about his haemorrhoids & the price of caravans again while I stifle a yawn for fifteen minutes before I get to leave.
Then I'll get an email from that job I applied for & it'll say I’ve not got it. Hmm, why did I apply? I should’ve bloody known because I’m a f*****g psychic & I know everything in advance!
Then after work I’m going to meet an old pal in the street & we'll go for a beer but I better not because I know I’ll get pissed then tell the poor guy his wife’s having an affair with Bob in accounts & I’ll leave him crying into his Sex on the Beach cocktail as I make my excuses & leave. I’ll then get mugged on the late night train by skinhead grannies, stand on a fox poop & lose my credit card & money en route.
When I finally crawl in the door I’ll switch on the radio & that same song will be on again & I’ll fall asleep with one shoe on & singing along knowing exactly what’s going to happen the next day…because I know because I’M A F*****G PSYCHIC & I KNOW EVERYTHING IN ADVANCE!'
So, I'll just stay in tomorrow , watch a box set of Columbo in my drawers & eat everything in the fridge instead."
It ain't like that. Life is a mystery to us all in many ways. And for all those who have been patiently waiting for years to meet the right kind of person & crack the 'You should've.." joke. Don't be surprised if they stare at you with a mixture of pity, despair & derision because I guarantee they have probably heard it before…millions of times!
It’s similar in some ways to a client of mine, who is a Proctologist* (A Proctologist is a Dr that specializes in the 'back' areas*) He said if he hears the line “I thought you’d have asked me out for dinner first” from middle aged blokes during an examination again he’ll scream & lash out! :-)
Here's some other new similar rubbish jokes to add to your repertoire should you meet somebody in the spiritual field.
I went to see a psychic & asked “Do you see me behind bars?” She said “No” so I robbed her.
Two psychics pass each other in the street. One says “Hello there, you’re doing good, tell me how am I doing?”
Advert: ‘Psychics Wanted… You know where to apply’
So, next time you feel the urge to say it… hold it in!
And don’t ask taxi drivers how long they’ve been on their shift that night either...They hate that too you know.
And as for Proctologists... Just don't.
You’re welcome! That's all from me. I've went on too long here!
And no, didn't know that'd happen already.
Tom